12 Down, 12 Up

My right knee is 'in flare', that is, very painful (rather than just the 'normal' background ache), not reliable in bearing my weight, which in turn affects my balance, stiffer than usual with a reduced ability to bend and painful to straighten fully, feeling like the knee is on sideways and contains a ball of over-tightened rubber bands which break and twang painfully, and generally the cause of much swearing! It wakes me during the night, and between coping with it and not sleeping so well, I feel so tired and lacking in energy.

It's been like this on and off this year and then consistently since mid-August, when I twisted it attempting to stop a shopping trolley with a mind of its own in a blustery wind from wandering off to play with other cars and pedestrians.

I refuse to go back onto oral pain relief, relying instead on the various methods of pain relief I'd found, but even they are sometimes not enough. I looked for information on rest and arthritis and concluded that although 'sit down before you have to' is good advice, the other advice to get 'proper rest' needed a little more exploration. I was also reading about time-restricted eating - restricting meals to a 12 hour or possibly 8 hour window in the day, so I thought I would combine rest and time-restricted eating and see how that went.

The result was reasonably successful. During my 12 hours 'down' horizontal rest, I could do all my horizontal physio exercises, some yoga and mindfulness exercises, check some email and other messages and get some decent sleep and rest to counter nights disturbed by pain.

During my 12 hours 'up', I tried to get everything else done and feed myself.

I've been on this 12 Down, 12 Up for the past six weeks or so. Now, it's time to stop. My knee is better than it was, though still painful. The time-restricted eating has supported my gradual, imperceptibly slow weight loss. I feel well rested. But, I can't do as much as I need to in only 12 hours, things have slipped due to lack of attention and I'm starting to feel like I'm just being lazy (a sign, if any were needed, that my energy levels are back up!)

I didn't discuss it beforehand, knowing that many people who don't live with chronic pain and the resulting fatigue would not understand, nor be sympathetic. Even so, I found it difficult to give myself permission to do this, but I'm glad I did. It's joined my arsenal of potential techniques to manage and live with severe osteoarthritis.

Stress response

I'm fine!
I am!
Actually, not so much.

I've been sleeping well, eating well, perhaps not exercising and certainly not dancing as much as I could or should. I've taken time to relax, be in nature (or at least, the garden, same thing!) and do some mindful meditation. I actively manage my whirling mind.

But my body tried to tell me that I am under stress. My joints are still in achy, winter mode, my hands particularly troublesome. I'm low on energy and tire quickly - both mental and physical stamina are poor. I've been having headaches and indigestion, both very unusual for me. My neck is tight and when I roll my shoulders, it sounds like a symphony of pops and crackles.

Around the end of March, I had a flare of dermatitis on my hands and feet. It's a type called pompholyx, or dishydrotic eczema, where patches of small, itchy, stinging water-blisters develop and coalesce, drying out over a fortnight or so to leave cracked and peeling skin.

Then at the end of April, I came down on a Monday morning, freshly showered and ready for breakfast and to start the day, and I was violently ill. Without being too graphic, it felt like my insides were leaving in both directions. I hate throwing up, and have to remind myself that it's a normal physical reaction, because it makes me feel really sick. I was left with abdominal cramps and after another shower, returned to bed. By Friday, I still felt like the bottom was dropping out of my world and went to see the doctor (anyone who knows me, knows this is another unusual event!) It took nearly another week for the medication to do its bit. The first half of May spent feeling below par! How can I begin to catch up?

Now I have a fresh crop of blisters appearing on my fingers.

Okay Mind, listen to your Body! You thought you were okay, but you're not. Stress can be an insidious thing. Time for me to have a think about what's going on.

• Brexit was due 29th March. It hasn't happened, yet, and it still makes me feel hopeless. It turns out Brexit stress is now a thing and adversely affecting the health of the nation!
• Preparing for the Khaled Mahmoud workshops, all the planning of what to take, how to pack, what to dance, how to travel, where to stay, and would the cats be okay for being left overnight?
• Then the anxiety of finding that Xena, left overnight, had managed to damage her tail (luckily not badly. I checked that she still had feeling and movement at the tip and that there were no obvious kinks or breaks, swelling or pain. She could carry the half closest to her body upright, and let the rest hang in a curve. I was very gentle with her and protective, arranging her tail so it was well-aligned and protected when she was asleep and full function was restored within the week, but still, anxiety, guilt ...).
• Feeling helpless in the face of climate change, (eco-anxiety is now a thing, too!).
• ... and the sheer, bloody idiocy, hypocrisy and corruption of some politicians and sections of the population, worldwide.
• Trying and failing to keep on top of the chaotic house and getting to grips with the garden. A perfect vicious circle, as feeling ill saps energy needed to do it, so it gets worse, so anxiety increases, so feeling more stressed and ill and without energy etc. etc. etc.)
• Fretting about friends with difficult mental and physical health issues. It's my choice to be there for them, even if only on Messenger, and I know I can't fix things (because my magic wand still hasn't been delivered, can you believe it? Come on Universe, I've had the order out for one for years now!).
• The publication of proposed changes to the local plan, showing all the fields behind the house under consideration for development, which alone would grow the village by around a quarter of its current size and obliterate views of fields, hills, the next village ...
• No swallows! Still!

So, having identified at least some of the stressors, perhaps I can stop worrying about what I can't change and try to think of positive things to do. Like, slather my hands in moisturiser.
Any other suggestions?

The word of the month begins with D ....

I've suddenly become totally dissatisfied and utterly fed up with my baggy body and frankly ridiculous belly. There. I've said written it. I'm not sure what happened; I still believe in body-positivity, but just feel that for me, enough is enough. Time for things to change, starting with my diet (again).

The last time I made major changes was in 2012-3, when I was awaiting an operation on my foot and the osteoarthritis in my knees was in full flare. I stopped eating meat, swapped a whole load of foods for lower fat, lower sugar versions, really concentrated on salads and seasonal, healthy eating. I did lose a little weight, despite times of frustration when I couldn't seem to shift the scales or get much done outside.

I kept a spreadsheet of the weight loss, and it shows I lost 8.3 kg in 2013. Mind you, half of that was in the last week, when I was ill. My habit of being ill before Christmas means that I start each recorded year at Yule a couple of kilos lighter than I might otherwise be, and then start the new calendar year having put a couple of kilos back on! Thus it was in January 2014, then, despite best intentions, things went sort of pear-shaped, before becoming positively more rotund with the stress of moving house in 2015. At the time I moved house, I was at my heaviest ever - all those take-outs and comfort-eating of chocolate!

I'm now 8 kilos lighter than I was 3 years ago, and 4 kilos lighter than at the start of this year. It's better than nothing, but too little, too slow! My weight bobs around like a cork. I lose 0.6, then 0.7, gain 0.9, lose 0.1. gain 0.4, lose 0.2, gain 0.6, lose 0.3 (bringing me back to where I started). Aaargh, pass me the chocolate ice-cream! Seriously though, it just means that my healthy eating is fine for maintaining my current weight, not losing it!

With a couple of friends now a shadow of their former selves and another couple singing the praises of the Keto Diet, I decided that some positive action was necessary. I remembered a conversation I had with someone years ago, about my craving for (addiction to?) carbohydrates. She suggested that my craving stemmed from an inability to process gluten properly. At the time, I didn't pay too much attention because I love bread and it doesn't cause me bloating, stomach pains, tiredness or any of the other symptoms usually quoted for gluten intolerance. Since then, I've discovered that it may be more to do with an inability to process carbohydrates effectively, so reducing my carbohydrate intake would certainly do no harm.

Rather out of character for me, I signed up for the 'Low Carb Program', endorsed by Diabetes.co.uk, mostly for the recipes and inspiration. I'm going to ease myself into this rather than charging headlong into their meal plans, as the vegetarian 40 day challenge involves eating an average of 3 eggs per day just in the first week, and shopping for over 70 items. I haven't costed it out precisely, but I'm pretty sure it would blow my budget to smithereens, not to mention the impact on the fuel bills (and time!) for all the extra cooking involved. Some things look tempting, so I'll begin to experiment and be a lot more mindful of the carbohydrate content and portion sizes.

It's good that the warmer weather is here and I can indulge in salads.

Happy New Year 2018!

Wow, where did 2017 go? I know, I say something similar every year. It's true though! So here we are again, a new year before us, full of potential and possibilities. And of course, the now obligatory new year fireworks picture:

Fireworks around the London Eye, view across the Thames from the Embankment

There has been much discussion over gender equality and sexual harassment/assualt (#MeToo), and 2018 is the centenary of women being granted the right to vote in British parliamentary elections. To mark this, a female/Venus symbol was projected onto the Shell Centre tower building (left of the Eye in the above photo) while a soundtrack by various female artists played. It's a great milestone to celebrate, even though the Representation of the People Act 1918 only granted voting rights to some women (over 30 years old if they were either a member or married to a member of the Local Government Register, a property owner, or a graduate voting in a university constituency). It took another 10 years and an update to the act to grant votes for all women over 21, providing equal voting rights with men. A number of commentators have hailed 2018 as 'the year of the woman'; by this time next year, we'll see if they were right.

More officially, the UK government  has announced 2018 as the Year of Engineering, part of a year-long campaign to tackle the engineering skills gap and widen the pool of young people who join the profession. The UK Space Agency will be supporting the campaign by funding a series of education and outreach projects designed to inspire interest in science, technology, engineering and mathematics (STEM).

The Scottish Government has made 2018 the Year of Young People, providing a platform for those aged 8-26 in Scotland and opportunities to explore and showcase their personalities, talents and achievements.

National Geographic has decided 2018 will be the Year of the Bird, and has launched a year-long campaign dedicated to celebrating and protecting birds. So the first of my resolutions will be to do more wildlife watching, starting with birds (RSPB's Big Garden Bird Watch, last weekend of January!). More moths, more butterflies, other insects, spiders ....

Chinese New Year on February 16th is the start of the year of the dog, a male earth dog to be more precise.
I've seen lots of predictions that this will be a year of changes, but don't we all say that, every new year?

The first change for me was to change the layout of this blog a little - I was bored with seeing two sidebars, so back to a right hand side bar with all the usual bits and pieces, and the articles on the left. 

I was terribly untidy in 2016, with craft stash all over the place while I prepared for workshops in early 2017, so didn't put any decorations up. This Christmas, I loved rediscovering the various baubles, decorating the tree, putting lights in the window. My preference for decoration on Christmas Eve now feels like I don't get to enjoy my decorations for long enough, before it's time to take them down again. I don't like to see decorations up very early (certainly not before December 1st), but I've decided I shall put my decorations up earlier this coming December, and enjoy the sparkle for longer. And be tidier!

Another change for me will be to find a new car, not something which fills me with excitement. I've just put my car into the garage for some urgent work to shocks, brakes, exhaust and so on, only to find that the rear subframe is corroding and won't last another year, and would be uneconomic to repair/replace. Chatting to the mechanics, they suggested I buy myself some time by getting the work done, which will also give it some trade-in value. They said it was the sort of corrosion they see when a car has been used with a boat trailer, dipping its rear end into the sea. Of course, the original owner would probably not have owned up to that when he traded up. The corrosion isn't noticeable for the first few years, but it explains why the sump guard rusted through and gave up relatively early, too. It's only 10 years old, I've had it for 8 and the mileage hasn't even been that high.  Such a shame, as I've liked this car better than my previous ones.

So sadly, this is not the year for getting the central heating, soffits, gutters etc. done. Double glazing, replacement bathroom fan and shower and rebuilding the chimney all loom on the near horizon. As for fencing, new shed, greenhouse ... unless by great good fortune I win the lottery or some other prize. I don't know where the money's going to come from, so this is definitely going to be a year for trying to earn more.

In order to do that, it really is going to have to be a year to change my computer. I hardly dare type this, just in case it hears, but it has been making some alarming rattling, grinding noises.  

Looking back, 2017 was not as fabulous as I'd wished, but that's life, I guess. I learned a lot about editing, managed a lot of gardening (well, a lot of digging, and a certain amount of enjoying peas fresh from their pods) and did a lot of meditation. After a concerted effort to clean and move furniture and get a bit more sorted out in order to host a visit from my parents, I feel as though I've made headway, even though there is always more to do. I've decided that I like to have a selection of works in progress, and anything I didn't achieve last year I can continue to strive for; anything else can just have a veil drawn over it. Preferably one with sequins and beads along the edge.

2018 will hopefully also include more dance, yoga and exercise, regaining enough flexibility to sit in jazz 4th position on both sides; more beach time, more gardening and vegetable growing and crafting and blogging.
It's time to rouse myself from my inexplicable January funk, there's so much to look forward to!

Gardening and Beating the Blues

I've been struggling recently with feeling a bit down. I wouldn't describe it as depression, because that is rather more serious and difficult to deal with, but feeling sad and low is bad enough. It robs me of energy and motivation, and I find myself moping for hours at a time.

Since earlier this year, we've had local and general elections and Article 50 has been triggered to start the process of leaving the EU. The impression is that Britain is in a complete shambles and it's probably going to get worse before and if it gets better again. I'm still in a grump about Brexit, because I can't get my head around the 'great opportunity' it's supposed to offer. Still, I feel very sorry for my friends in the USA and I worry that their country is not in safe hands.
The news is unrelentingly depressing; the political rhetoric of dangerous lunatics in power, so many countries involved in conflicts, so many refugees and tragic deaths.
The terrorist attacks in Manchester and London were awful, the atrocities made worse by the targeting of children at the Ariana Grande concert and the indiscriminate violence against people just going about their business. There have been approximately 725 terrorist attacks globally to date this year (source - Wikipedia), which may actually be fewer than for the first 6 months of 2016, but with attacks in London and Manchester, it feels closer to home, however distant those cities feel, both in miles and culturally from this quiet backwater. Not all of the attacks are related to the plethora of Islamic fundamentalist organisations, of which so-called Islamic State is a major force. There are plenty of other violent organisations and individuals, including white supremacists, and most recently, an attack apparently fuelled by a completely misguided racial hatred and desire for revenge coming only a few days after the horror of the Grenfell Tower fire.

Adam Warne's death in early April came as a shock, but I was also terribly upset over Yvette Cowles' death on 4th June. She had been living with and fighting back against cancer for 20 years or more, and had been less well this year, so it wasn't a surprise, but was still immeasurably sad.

In the meantime, my lovely boy-cat Greebo has been unwell too, with a problem with his hind legs, no sooner sorted than he suddenly developed an intestinal infection and had to have antibiotics for a week.

It's midsummer! Half the year has gone already. The thought of how quickly time goes is enough to send me into a panic! It feels as though I my days are punctuated by moving things around the house and putting various other things into various bins; compost, recycling, glass, non-recyclables, special recycling (printer ink cartridges, light bulbs, spent batteries ...), laundry ... more laundry ... more compost .... And despite all the binning, I struggle to keep myself mucked out.

I can see from my Facebook echo-chamber that I'm not the only one feeling like the world has gone mad. And some friends have sick children, which must be far more difficult to cope with than a sick cat! All we can do is send love and kind, supportive words and spread some love.

Still, Facebook and particularly TV adverts leave me feeling left out. The world appears to be made of and for couples and families, having holidays and all sorts of fun. I have no money, as usual, can't afford a holiday and have no significant other(s) to go with, even if I could afford it

Gradually, I've come out of my slough of despond. Gardening and dancing, both working like moving meditations, have been key activities. The physical work leaves me tired enough to sleep well enough, my cats and I, sprawled and curled in a heap on the bed. Gardening has been particularly useful, as if feels very constructive and productive, as weeds are uprooted, compost heaps grow, patches of soil appear and coalesce into beds which then have vegetables planted into them. The cats love being outside with me, and play with bits of vegetation trailing from the tubtrug as I trundle to the compost heap with it. They make nests in long grass and in the shade under the hedge, and sit with ears and whiskers pricked by the pile of privet branches (evidently some squeakies live under it).

I don't dwell on the huge amount of work to be done, but go out with a job or two in mind. I may or may not complete those jobs. I may get side-tracked and do other jobs. Whatever I do, even if it's only meditating on my swingseat, it's all fine, it's all progressing, and that, I find, is a great way to beat the blues.

Mindful Meditation and the Common Cold

Why is it that, when you have something to do, somewhere to go, some anticipated event or just some happy holiday time to spend in serious lazing about, a cold makes an appearance? I've been lucky this winter, successfully fighting off a couple of incipient colds, but this one has descended on me with a vengeance, making me feel ill and irritable. If the old saying 'Three days coming, three days here, three days going' is correct, then it is now here, although I have already had a rough couple of days. It's not due to start going until Sunday, which means I'm not going to be on top form for the belly dance party on Saturday evening. If it weren't for the fact that I have offered lifts to others and have some pre-loved clothing to sell in aid of Medecins Sans Frontieres, I would consider cancelling. Yes, I feel that poorly!

I nipped out yesterday to buy a stack of menthol and eucalyptus sweets and treated myself to a sandwich while gazing out at the Cleddau from Brunel Quay. The tide was heading out, and there was a lot of water in the river, running very fast, but otherwise not a lot to see. I felt a bit better for a little while, but decided to get home before the next wave of sneezing and coughing made my driving too erratic for safety.

I'm half-way through a 6 week mindfulness course (run by Mindful Future Wales, a local CIC), thinking that it would round-out and gap-fill my existing practice (which it is). Last week, we covered Compassionate Acceptance, so I thought it would be a really good time to practise a little mindful meditation on accepting that I have a cold and, while I can't change that, I can change how I feel about it.

So, settle and focus on the breath.
Yes, it would be nice to be able to breathe normally. How can a nose be blocked and dripping at the same time? My head feels as though it's full of heavy cotton wool, my eyes stream as if I'm crying and I can scarcely keep them open.
Re-focus, breathe. Shut your eyes, it's okay.
I have to breathe through my mouth. My mouth and throat become dry and a tickly cough starts.
Take a sip of water, have a cough sweet. Breathe. Relax.
My nose is dripping onto my front. I wonder if it's possible to tie a handkerchief, like an under-nose face veil, to catch it?
Nothing needs to be fixed. Let it be.
I feel a tingle in my nose and grab a handful of tissues just in time to catch the outflow from a series of gargantuan, bladder control-defying sneezes, which leaves me shaking and groggy. I have a splitting headache.
You're okay. It's just a cold. Everyone gets them from time to time. It's here to give your immune system a workout, then it will go. It's a signal to be kinder to yourself.
Yes, indeed. And the kindest thing I can do at this moment is to make a mug of hot lemon juice and honey, and retire to bed early.

Well, that was yesterday. I slept for nearly twelve hours (again - third time this week!). I still feel ill. This morning, the sun is shining, it looks beautiful out there. I shall do a little meditation on my patio swing-seat, then do some digging, where my nose can drip away onto the earth and I can sneeze or cough without making the furniture rattle. Then a hot bath can sort out any aches and pains.
Isn't this self-indulgence?
No, it's self-kindness, giving yourself what you need to feel better sooner.
I find myself re-reading what I've written, stuck.
Go on out, enjoy the sunshine; it will do you good!

Happy New Year 2016

Well, here we are again. Most of the people I know seem to have had quite an eventful 2015. Some had nice life events; engagements, marriages, babies, new jobs. Some had difficult or sad events such as surgery, deaths of pets or family members. Some had a perfect storm of horrible events; death, divorce, forced sale of their home, diagnoses of chronic and/or serious illness for themselves or family members, car accidents, multiple breakdowns of things like computers and white goods. I don't know what it was about last year, but many people are glad to see the back of it. It was a year of changes for me, but I feel like I got off relatively lightly. My house purchase and move went okay, despite coinciding with exams and a biopsy, the results of which showed nothing to worry about. Although I only managed to get one job interview and that was a 'no', and class attendance has been at an all-time low, the osteoarthritis has been relatively good; all the yoga, mindful movement and daily physio exercises have paid off. Things could be worse.

As ever, the time has flown by since I moved. I see I didn't blog much this year, probably because I would just be repeating myself about cleaning furniture, unpacking boxes, sorting things out. And yet I managed more beach time this year, even if it was less about lolling around with a book in the sunshine and more beach-combing in a chilly breeze.

As I mentioned in a previous post, a lot of the time has gone in problem solving. Working out how to fit furniture into rooms of a different size and shape. Moving bits of furniture and heavy boxes on my own (it's all about levers - I even managed to right my swing seat when the last lot of high winds tipped it over on the patio). Trying to fit things into a kitchen which has more cupboards than my previous one, but paradoxically, less space because the cupboards are all smaller. Drying washing indoors without my beloved laundry maid airer (no space for it in the new place, unfortunately). Getting the computer, TV and other bits of media kit connected. Trying to get the Christmas lights working. (Lay them out flat - a miracle, they all work! Fight with the metres of twisty wires to arrange them on the tree and switch on again, wow, all working! Switch on the next day, a set of 10 has gone off. Uttering my usual mantra 'Okay, I can do this, lots of people do it, how hard can it be?' Find the spare bulbs and set to work trying to find the one that's blown. None of them look as though they have blown. The instructions to 'just ease the bulb out of the holder' belie the difficulty of removing them. A couple of hours and wrecked thumbnails later, I have replaced all 10 bulbs in the loop which failed and not managed to fix the problem. Decided that I need to leave it otherwise I'll never get the tree decorated and add some sort of voltage detector device to the wishlist.)

What is it with me and heating systems though? Back at the beginning of the year, I had a freezing few weeks in my old place when the pump failed, the boiler tripped off and I couldn't get responses or sensible help from heating engineers to fix it. Now, the heating and hot water here have gone wrong. I already knew this heating system would need replacing, and the grand plan was to replace the back boiler with a new combi boiler vented through the roof, and replace the gas fire in the living room with a small woodburner. The quote I had from British Gas for the boiler and plumbing came to £6500, which was pretty much £2000 beyond my budget. I meant to follow through with other quotes, but as each job application was rejected, it seemed impossible that I could afford it in the short term.

In the meantime, the heating and hot water at least worked, after a fashion. I found early on that the timer controller in the airing cupboard didn't actually work, and was told by the seller that they used to leave the heating on 'continuous' in the winter and just let the thermostat switch it on and off. Once I started the heating for the winter, I found that in fact the thermostat didn't seem to work at all. Then, with an alarming whirring noise a few days before Christmas, the heating went off. Switched off and on again. Nothing. Switched on the gas fire - that works. Switched on the hot water, the water doesn't heat but the heating comes on instead. Rummaged around in the airing cupboard, failed to find a separate immersion switch. Gave the 3-way valve a tap or two with a hammer, just in case, but no difference. Called a few heating engineers - all calls went to their telco messaging services and I received no call-backs. Ditto a few calls made between Christmas and New Year. At least I have an electric shower, the washing machine and dishwasher are cold fill, and I can boil a kettle for other washing up, but it's a bit tedious not having hot water on tap when you're used to all mod cons*. I know, #firstworldproblems.

So, the year has turned a corner, the days are supposed to be getting longer (difficult to tell, as the weather continues mild, wet and windy) and in addition to the preparation for this term's classes and the looming tax deadline, I need to find a heating engineer who answers their phone and is willing to tackle an older system to restore my hot water.

Happy 2016! Let's hope it's a good one for all of us!

*Note for non-English readers and space aliens: 'All mod cons' stands for 'all modern conveniences', that is, things like electricity, central heating, hot and cold running water and an indoor bathroom and toilet; a phrase which used to feature in adverts for places to rent or buy and which you don't see any more, presumably because it is taken for granted.

Dancing Mindfully

Mindfulness is a bit of a buzz word at the moment, perhaps because it seems more necessary in our daily lives than ever. Or perhaps it's an idea whose time has come. It involves the deliberately focusing your attention on what's happening in and around you in the present moment, noticing and acknowledging thoughts, feelings and sensations without judgement.

It's been something I've been aware of since I was young, even though I didn't know it was called mindfulness, and didn't practise it regularly. I remember a lesson in primary school when I was six, perhaps seven. We sat quietly with our eyes closed and trying not to fidget, focusing our attention on the sounds of others in the room breathing, the class next door, birds outside, traffic, the warmth of the sun coming through the window, the feel of the wooden seat on bare legs. From time to time since then, I've been reminded how useful mindfulness is and each time, I wonder how I could have forgotten. Mindfulness practice is so called because it needs practice. It's so easy to go through life on auto-pilot, bouncing from one task to the next, planning and looking forward, or thinking about what you could, should, ought to have done or be doing.

Looking back on my year of yoga lessons (with Rose Thorn, Inner Yoga Trust and I thoroughly recommend her as a teacher), I realised it was something quite amazing. I haven't managed to clear a space yet to start my own daily yoga (and dance) practice, haven't found (and anyway, can't afford) another class and I'm missing it. It sorted out a worsening sacroiliac problem; I discovered that I had been unconsciously bracing myself by contracting my glutes and the resulting tension was enough to trigger some inflammation. I had probably started it as a balance strategy. Consciously relaxing and 'softening' the muscles as I was standing still was difficult at first, but seems to have paid off. I used to float out of class feeling great and wake up the following morning feeling as though I had been hit by a bus, so there was obviously a lot of work going on deep in the body. The significant and unexpected bonus was how much it helped me mentally, in terms of my ability to focus my attention inwards on my body, its movement, stillness, relaxation, feelings and breath. After years of twitching restlessly or just falling asleep when I tried to be still and meditate, I re-found my ability to do it and I love it.

The somatics workshops and yoga classes were part of my ongoing portfolio of ways to mitigate and counteract the effects of severe osteoarthritis in my knees and feet, relearning and changing the way I use my body. The new awareness of tension and alignment is allowing me to release tightness, especially in the knees, before the pain builds too much. The combination of range of movement exercises, knee supports, heat, massage, awareness and adjustment of alignment and plenty of rest mean that it's now several months since I needed to take any painkillers.

As a result, I can do more, and dance more, providing I remain mindful of the way I use my body. A carelessly aligned foot and leg during a turn could be enough to cause pain and loss of balance. I had thought I was quite good at listening to my body, but learning to sit down before I need to showed me how much I ignored messages from my body, and that's very much a dancer's thing. In dance training, you learn the technique for the steps or moves and learn to ignore the minor (and sometimes major) aches and pains involved in doing them, the tired and burning feet and muscles. Even as you block some sensations, you are practising some sort of mindfulness as you dance in the moment, in the music, but rely on muscle memory for the movements and choreography, and a sort of subliminal awareness of the space that you dance in and the other dancers around you. Is automaticity the opposite of mindfulness? It seems to me that dancing mindfully requires more practice than everyday mindfulness, as dance involves so many senses, it's impossible to give your full attention to all aspects of dance at the same time.

If you focus your attention on the movements themselves, your face can show that concentration. Breaking the movement down and then putting it back together is an essential part of learning it, but over-thinking can induce analysis-paralysis and tension in the body. Anyone who has learned to dance is familiar with this. Dance looks easy, good dance looks effortless (even if the dancer comes off stage pouring with sweat!). You know you can boogie around to your favourite tunes and you thought you were a pretty good dancer. So you start to dance in a given style and you find it's very difficult. You fight for the shape and the movement and become tense. The tension stops full movement and affects posture, which makes everything harder. You try harder to get it right and instead it goes even more wrong. You get frustrated and cross with yourself. Your mind starts to whirl with thoughts of how to get it right and make your body do what you want it to. You end up losing patience with yourself and with learning to dance. (I have a theory this is why many people like to dance but don't want to learn to dance, preferring dance exercise classes in which they can hide at the back and move any old how, without having to remember a routine or strive for correct movement technique. Following the leader, the movement goes in through the eyes and out through the body but bypasses the brain, a bit like copy-typing.) This is where mindfulness helps; another aspect of mindfulness is recollection, remembering to be aware of something. Remember to relax, stop over-thinking and allow the movement to flow.

Noticing without judgement is a difficult thing. When you are practising and are fully aware of how your body is moving, it's easy to be distracted when you do something wrong. Although you are actually making a judgement that your dancing or movement isn't as good as it should be, the ability to look more objectively at it in order to make improvements is positive and constructive, without wallowing in self-criticism. Part of mindfulness practice is to acknowledge the thought and move on. This is important for rehearsal, as you wouldn't stop and acknowledge a wrong move while performing.

Accepting that it might be impossible to be mindful of every aspect of dance while you're dancing, a good way to incorporate mindfulness in dance practice might be to focus on different aspects for different drills, dance pieces or practice sessions. For example, you might create or learn a movement phrase and repeat it several times, on each repeat shifting the focus:

• The movements themselves; the technical aspects and how they feel in the body
• The transitions between moves and shifts of weight
• Movement difficulties, finding ways to move more easily and reduce the effort required
• The movement dynamics - are they soft, sharp, floating, heavy, percussive, flowing ...?
• The expression brought by the dynamics and the music
• Your breathing. Are you forgetting to breathe, could you use it to assist movements (for example, breathing out on an accent such as a hip drop)?
• The space in which you move, the direction of your body in relation to that space and the movement pathways. (For further information on spatial relationships, see my blog post here.)

If all this sounds a bit too intense and academic, remember that dance can be experienced with all the senses. While dancing freely, try focusing your awareness on each of your senses in turn:

• Listen deeply to the music, its beat and rhythms, all its nuances, the different instruments, how the key/maqam/dromos makes you feel, and the jingle of your hip belt.
• Wear scent, spray a little on your veil or scent the room with a candle or incense stick.
• Feel the costume fabrics, their textures, colours, the glint and sparkle of beads and coins.
• Notice the way your clothing moves. If you're wearing a skirt, hold or brush it outwards so that it catches the air as you move.
• Feel the way the air flows over your bare arms as you move them.
• Look at the way your body is moving (if you have a mirror), or follow the movement of a hand, the colour, drape and float of a veil.
• Take a break, drink some water, feeling the moist coolness in your mouth.

I shall be giving a workshop in Cardigan on November 15th on Graceful Movement, which is something which can be learned and practised mindfully. I'm also planning a workshop (probably January) on Dance Dynamics, those characteristics or qualities of movement which bring contrast, variation and expression to dance movements and are important in musical expression. I'm also giving short sessions of mindful moving meditation at a free healing event at Haverfordwest Cricket Club on 21st November. This can be one-to-one or in small groups, seated or standing, and is great for stilling a whirling mind, relaxing and re-energising the body, so I hope people will come and take advantage as some of my friends will also be there offering reiki and massage, a little bit of personal relaxation time to go with the early Christmas shopping.